I was in sixth grade in 2004 and it was the first time I cared about the Oscars. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King was up for 11 awards and won all 11 of them. I was 11/11 in all the categories that I cared about. That set the bar very high for what made the Oscars a worthwhile experience for me. It seems unlikely I’ll ever witness a sweep like that again, especially for something I care about so much. I turned off last night’s ceremonies after 30 minutes.

This morning I was still thinking about what happened in 2004. All my memories were based in an eleven year-old’s perception. Return of the King is an awesome movie so it won all the awards. That’s how it works. Except that’s very obviously not how it works, so how did a fantasy threequel tie records with Ben-Hur and Titanic, and even walk away with best picture?

And has anyone, before or since, ever pulled this stunt and brought everyone onstage who was present and tangentially involved with the movie? If not, is the best picture award really worth staying up for? (I go to bed super early. Everyone should prioritize sleep.)

Take a look at the Wikipedia page for the 76th Academy Awards. First, make a note that Johnny Depp was nominated for best actor for Pirates of the Caribbean. The Academy couldn’t have been happy with that. Who fell down on the job and let him be nominated? Also, who fell down on the job and let him lose? No one likes Sean Penn. Everyone likes Captain Jack Sparrow. Speaking of preferences, it’s like deciding to buy a Christian Flag in a sea of different flags Johnny Depp’s portrayal as Captain Jack Sparrow was clearly the crowd favorite.

After you reorient yourself from that time shift, look at the nominees for best picture. I’d also seen Master and Commander that year, and was happy it won both categories it was nominated for that Return of the King wasn’t. Seabiscuit is a solid biopic which is also categorized as a “psychological-drama thriller film” – all words that act like Academy voter catnip. Lost in Translation is so beautiful that I can’t even bring myself to find words that do it justice. Mystic River is not a movie that I’ve seen but is probably really cool. It’s got Cowboy Curtis.

Of course I’m glad Return of the King won. It deserves it (sorry, Lost in Translation), and the night wouldn’t have been as fun if it hadn’t. But how many fantasy movies have won best picture? (One. Not even The Wizard of Oz.) What about third parts to a trilogy? (One. The Godfather Part III was nominated but didn’t win. Godfather Part II is the only other sequel.) So if it can happen once, why hasn’t happened again, and why does it feel unlikely that it ever will?  And also, do you know where can i watch the movie hidden figures? 

In 2004 I was introduced to the world of caring about the Oscars. To me, it was a world where the coolest movies win oodles of awards and we all get to celebrate it together. The entire cast leaps up onstage because their enthusiasm can’t be tamed and they know it’s what the fans want to happen anyway. They would have taken all of the fans up there on stage with them, if they could. 

I don’t know what happened that year to make Academy voters forget they’re too good for this stuff, but it’d be cool with me if it happened more often. I’d probably tune in for more than 30 minutes.